Happy Easter!
This is a very rare weekend edition of LCMF. I don’t usually post on the weekend. But I’ve felt like I really needed to do this. And I’m trying to act on those little “feelings” I have. So here you go.
I’ve had SO many awesome and sweet people check in on me and my health. I’ve had COUNTLESS friends do amazing things for me. My sister-in-law and Aunt brought us frozen meals so we can just get them out and make a dinner. And it’s made a WORLD of difference. My sweet Mom drove down and folded 10,000 loads of laundry. My goodness….I can’t even list all of the things.
Just as an update: (I’ve had lots of people ask)
- LOTS of Doctor appointments
- LOTS of tests
- Wednesday I will get a small surgery to put an epidural in my back. It will be put directly next to a nerve that is suspected as a big culprit in my severe pain.
- The immediate goal is to get a drug cocktail that will take just enough pain away that I can do a few more things, but not so much that I am in a drug haze. We’re working on that right now.
- I am being referred to a specialist in Phoenix, because my case is quite complicated. (apparently there are only 4 or 5 doctors in the nation who are qualified to deal with my specific problems)
- It looks like a pretty long road ahead.
I have days…moments….where I can’t function. I cry a lot.
But I have really appreciated the time to think. Really think.
What has this got to do with Easter?
I have spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly I am going to learn from this trial. Because I truly believe that you don’t have trials TO learn things. But if you CAN learn something…the trial was not endured in vain.
I don’t talk about religion much on my blog. But I am a pretty religious person. It’s not a side of me that I really advertise. Because oddly, I keep it pretty close. (I can totally tell you that I’ve pooped my pants…but I can’t be serious)
But one of the VERY strong impressions I have had regarding my situation, and needing to repeat this trial, is that I must become humble enough to let other people in.
I cannot ask for help. It seems weak. It is an admittance that I’m out of control. It alerts others to the fact that I am not able to do things on my own.
But I got to thinking. How arrogant is that? How prideful?
So….on this Easter Sunday I am here to admit….
I can’t do this on my own.
I am out of control.
I am unable to bare the thought of the upcoming surgeries, doctors appointments, and months of pain.
I am not capeable of controlling the deep sadness that overwhelms me for moments in my days.
I cannot explain my situation to one more person or one more doctor who doesn’t understand it. Who can’t fix it.
I am in need of someone who can hold me while I cry and know exactly how I feel.
And the answer to every one of these problems is answered in this Easter Day.
I don’t have to do this alone. Ever. Regardless of whether doctors, or friends, or family are here.
painting of Christ by Del Parson
I believe that Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of mankind. And while he was agonizing over these sins….he also bore all of the sadness of his brothers and sisters. All who had lived, or would live on this Earth.
He has felt MY pain.
Not just A PAIN.
MY PAIN.
And yours.
As I feel overwhelmed with the things this life has delt to me (or my loved ones) I am reminded of a scripture that changes my perspective on the trials that I am given.
The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? (Doctrine & Covenents 122:8)
The answer is no. I am not.
The part about the Easter Story that I love the most, is not the agony that Christ suffered. But the fact that after the agony. After the pain. After the ridicule. He rose again.
The story has a happy ending. A triumphant ending.
And it gives hope to anyone who hears it.
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I’m not saying I won’t be totally embarrassed that my Mom sees that I haven’t done laundry or cleaned my toilets. Or that it is horribly uncomfortable to ship my kids to my friends’ house while I go to the doctor for hours on end.
But I TRULY believe that as we endure trials, we must be open to the love that Jesus Christ has to offer. And that love is expressed through the people who surround you. If I can’t let them in….I am unable to attain the full measure of the things he wants to give to me.
I call it “embarrassing” but truly it’s humbling. It is admitting that I need him.
It’s accepting that he rose on the third day.
Because THAT’S the end of the trial.
The rainbow.
It’s him.
Thank you for saying all the things I needed to hear and for being so brave and open about your feelings I am not so afraid of mine. Girl, you are so blessed with the talent to share and enable others. The trials you face being so open and candid will bring you more friends, blessing and prayers. I am proud to know you.
Love, love, love you, my sister in Christ. So proud of your brave and humble spirit. I think your readers have moved past the creepy ‘I don’t know you but I love you and would totally be your bff’ stage and on to the ‘I wish I could make you dinner but I live far away so know I’m praying!!!!’
Absolutely beautiful post. AND, I needed to hear it today. Thanks. I’m sure you aren’t feeling amazing, but WOW, you sure ARE amazing. Thanks again.
You were inspired my dear. You spoke the words that I needed to hear and say myself. You’re a beautiful person and I’m blessed to know you. You are in my prayers. You can cry on me anytime. I may not know the pain you have, but I truly know the emotions and agony of being “out of control”. Hang in there sister. You are loved!!!
Can’t stop crying. This touched me in a deep place I try to hide from. Thank you Lara for your beautiful words. I hope it’s ok that I shared it. Love ya!
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your beautiful testimony. I am home from church with my sick little girl and am glad to feel the spirit here. What a wonderful Easter message.
Beautiful. At our Stake Conference this weekend, the visiting General Authority spoke about how he atoned for not just sins but heartache, loneliness, despair, pain–everything. That is truly a comfort.
So touching, Lara! Thank you for sharing your moving words and testimony with everyone. Isn’t it so comforting to know and have a testimony of our Savior and all that He did for us. I am so sorry you are in so much pain, and I wish I was close by to help, but if you have to come to Phoenix for doctor appointments know you have a place to stay or a person who can deliver Diet Coke and a gazillion goodies directly to where you are. Love ya , girl! You’re in my prayers. Can’t wait to talk to you at SNAP. XO
Hi Lara, I just started following your blog not to long ago. I will be praying for you and for answers and healing. Keep Him alive in you as best you can. I know how you feel about asking for help, I will pray for people to just SHOW UP and then it will be taken care of. Rest in Him and let your family/friends to the work. PEACE
That was a beautiful post Lara. It brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. I love ya.
Thank you for sharing. I will keep you in my prayers and admire your courage and candor. I am inspired by your words and also by your beautiful talent.
What a beautiful, HONEST post. I can sooooo relate to “I can’t explain it to one more person-one more doctor who doesn’t understand and can’t fix it!” Oh sister, how true!!!
I also understand the “not being able to ask for help” part. At the same time—when we don’t, we deny others of the opportunity of serving…of giving back. When my late husband went through cancer and emphysema, he had to travel one hr to get to his chemo & radiation doctors. It was an all-day thing–then an hr home with him often being ill on the way. I had to work-there was no way around it. We were richly blessed as between church “family” and people in three or four other circles-I had people fighting over who was going to take him back and forth…5 days a week…for 9 months…unless he was in the hospital! Seriously. One lady was upset because her husband was supposed to take him–and someone else took him instead. I remember asking her to help me by cooking me a turkey (cooking smells bothered him and, since I love cold turkey sandwiches—-!) They jumped in in whatever way they could. One guy-yes, guy-came and cleaned our house while I was doing hospital duty with him! I had to call and cancel the cleaning people I had lined up knowing I didn;t have the time or energy (his wife warned me NOT to turn the oven on until I checked as he for some reason put plastic containers in the oven? Sure ‘nough!) So—try and remember that, those of us who have been RICHLY BLESSED–look for opportunities to PAY IT FORWARD as the popular saying goes…Someday—you’ll be able to do the same…For now, maybe it’s your job to take care of YOU—and THAT’S OK!!! ; ) I know you get what I mean… Thanks for sharing your faith-the message–I needed to hear that today—things aren’t so great—but YOU reminded me…that God knows-understands-feels my pain-and will help me overcome…thank you, sister! Blessings, Sharon sentbysharon@aol.com
as i read your post today, i began to sob, i dont have the same health problems but the pain issue , i GET IT!!!!!! i am so sorry. i live in mesa az just outside phoenix if you need a personal visit or ?? plz contact me
Love you Lara! You are beautiful on the inside and outside! What a beautiful way to share you deepest thoughts and fears! That takes a lot of courage. I always feel so renewed when i visit your site. You are a gift my friend. And you have already learned a lot because you are teaching so many of us with your words of wisdom.
WOW! You are truly amazing. I pray for you and think about you often. You make me feel like a true whimp. I’m having a little back surgery and am scared to death. AND while I’m still frightened of the unknown, I know who is in charge and I’m working on giving it to Him. Why do we want to hold on to the pain when He is there waiting? You’ve helped me. I just wish I could come fold your laundry for you or even scub your toilets. Yes, I know. I probably need a lot more than back surgery but I guess that therapy will have to wait. I’m thinking about you and praying for an answer and healing. Take care and DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP!
I am rarely speechless, but for some reason I am. It took a lot of courage to boldly proclaim the name of Jesus, but you did. It takes a lot of strength to know you need help and to ask for it. God never promises us an easy road, but He does promise the One who can travel it with you and, in the midst of it, provide you love and comfort and surround you with those who would love to help you. We are sisters in Christ, you and I. I’m proud of you. I wish I was as strong. God bless you for sharing your most heartfelt thoughts. You’ve made a difference in me. When I say “I’m praying for you,” I really mean it. Take good care of yourself, and try not to deny those that want so badly to help you in the only ways they know how.
beautiful and thank you
God Bless You
Thank you again for sharing and for the great reminder about our Savior’s love and willingness to lift us when we can’t get up ourselves. Thoughts and prayer for you and your family at this time and for healing, peace and learned lessons to come your way. ~hugs, Sharla
If you’re seeing who I think you’re seeing in Phoenix, then you are in luck, he’s wonderful. I live in Mesa, and was refered to him for my own set of issues. You will be well taken care of by him and his staff. Good luck.
Lara-this post gave me goosebumps! It reminded me of when we were trying to have kids and all the crap we were dealing with at the time. It was rough as you know having had your trials in that department as well. (That just made me think….WTH? Haven’t you been through enough?) I’m sure you think that to yourself some days. Anyways, my mom gave me a card on one of those difficult days in my life and it said, “Sometimes it takes a lot of rain before you get your rainbow!” I loved it and it was exactly what I needed to hear! It may have even been a turning point for me at releasing some of my bitterness which was directed to a loving Heavenly Father who really was there all along to help me if I turned to him. I wish you the best! I’m so sorry you’re sad! It makes me sad! I love ya!
I just wanted you to know that I was told about your blog by a friend at church that heard my testimony. I too poop my pants literally. I have had severe health problems since the delivery of my first child yesterday was 18 years. I have seen doctors all over the country… Only to be told a million times that we don’t have answers or technology to fix that yet .. However, I am now at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville,Fl. And scheduled for 2 surgeries on May 4th and the tired 6-7 weeks later. I would love to be able to discuss our similar situation . I will pray for you!! Sincerely, April
What a moving post. May the Lord guide you and grant you his peace.