In my room I have a full size mirror. I use it to see my whole outfit all together. Making sure that I’ve chosen the right shoes and the proper amount of bling. (No…this isn’t my mirror. Mine is one of those super cheapy kind that you buy at Walmart and put up with velcro strips)
Admittedly, I spend an embarrassing amount of time talking to myself in my head. Regardless of clothes, weight, or day. I pretty much submit myself to a Mean Girls moment:
(PS….this is pretty much one of my favorite movies of all times. And I can quote most of it. If you haven’t seen it…let me know. I’ll act it out for you)
Lots of time I expect to see this girl in the mirror. After all…I worked a long time to make her. I passed up an awful lot of frosting to make her materialize. And I freakin’ yelled “Dig Deeper” at Shaun T more times than I care to admit. (that’s an “Insanity” reference….for those of you who have not tried to die during working out)
Unfortunately, THIS is the girl that is now meeting my gaze. And geez….if you thought I Mean Girl-ed myself before….now….well….it’s just sad. It’s a girl 60 pounds heavier….missing one sassy haircut….minus some good bling…and plus at least 3 chins.
And it’s a bugger.
It’s difficult to look at her and not want to let her know how MUCH she disappoints me.
The other day I was delightfully reminded, by my dear friend Megan from Brassy Apple, of the series I did at the first of this year..called One Word, One Goal. It was a challenge to define your “picture” for the upcoming year in just one word. Really, if you haven’t had a chance go back and look at the uplifting entries that were made during that time, you totally should.
My word was Refine.
And MAAAANNNN…What I had in mind absolutely has NOTHING to do with what is actually going on in my life. In fact, when Megan reminded me about this series, I thought, “Oh yeah! That word choice was jacked-up!!! I haven’t been able to refine anything. Like, my blog’s falling apart…my life’s falling apart…my health’s falling apart…MY BUM HAS LITERALLY FALLEN APART!”
If it’s already falling apart…it’s pretty damn hard to “refine” it.
Then I went back and looked up the definition for my “word”…
Re-fine: To improve or perfect by polishing.
HOLY CRAP! Right?
I think maybe I didn’t even have a clue when I picked it. I thought it would mean “don’t have so many hobbies and pay better attention to your kids.” When in fact it meant….”how ’bout you get put on a stick and roasted in a kiln, just to see if you can come out shiny on the other side.”
Look, my reflection is what it is. I can eat a little better. But not a lot of fat is getting burned while I lay in bed. I try to do my hair…but honestly….bed head is harder to combat than fat thighs. My medicine makes me see triple, so the glasses are here to stay for now.
I think I’m gonna benefit A LOT more from a different kind of reflection.
The inner kind.
That kind that helps the part of me that really matters.
The kind that burns a little..but then makes you come out shiny on the other side.
I LOVE this quote from Buddha:
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love & affection.
Isn’t that so hard to remember? It’s nearly impossible to feel that way about myself. (I’m gonna work on that one.)
The blessing I’ve had to spend quiet moments alone: no interruptions, no electronics, no distractions. I am just able to “reflect”, to think. I have lots of ideas about how I want to become a better person. To improve my reflection. And then I found this quote:
Those who live only for themselves,
eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives.
While those who lose themselves in service to others
grow and flourish—
and in effect save their lives.
~Thomas S. Monson
Pretty boldly telling me that I can live a very fulfilled life, if I start living outside my little “reflection”, and focus exclusively on loving and serving other people. Each day I am taught by those around me how to lovingly live outside that exterior reflection.
People will stop by, people who have never been to my home. (And then they offer me a free vacuuming for my carpet.) I kid. I kid. People will send packages. Companies will send items. People will leave a note, send an e-mail, write on my FB wall. And it means so MUCH to me.
Honestly it’s not the items so much as it is the realization that I’ve been “seen”. That someone loved me enough to take their time and share it with me. Even stuck in my bed, I have lots of time. Lots.
Hopefully without seeming like I’m telling YOU what to do with your time….let me just put this out there. There is as much time in each day as there always has been. And we fill it with lots of stuff. STUFF.
I filled a whole day with Tabatha’s Salon Takeover a couple weeks ago. Same 24 hours I’m always given. Gone. Probably not spent in a meaningful way. (however…dudes….if your salon is failing…have I got a solution for you!)
Even if I spend my time “thinking” about people I care about or am worried about…is that really serving them in ANY way? I could have written a “thinking of you” on their Facebook Wall or text “I sure love being your friend!” THEN they’d know, and it may help brighten their reflection for that day.
All I know….KNOW FOR SURE….(thank you O!) Is how much I value this amazing quote:
“I have been driven many times to my knees
by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go.
My own wisdom,
and that of all about me,
seemed insufficient for the day.”
Today I needed to know that my reflection needs to be refined and re-defined.
That I cannot find happiness unless I serve, love, and cherish others.
And that I needed to write this post.
And who am I to question the super hot fire that has set it’s sights on refining me? I know Adele enjoys setting “Fire to the Rain”…but I’d rather not use that technique. It seems dangerous, and rather impossible.