So…..I bet you aren’t looking for another “what the heck is wrong with Lara” post. But that’s what you’re getting. Sorry folks.
Last week was a normal week. Things around here are pretty mundane. I got some news that I kind of expected.
I will need to have another very LARGE surgery.
And it was kind of hard to swallow.
Even though I’ve felt in my heart that this surgery would be necessary for a very long time now. For some reason, it just sucked out my last little bit of joy. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, that joy just leaves.
I spent several days on long phone calls with the Dr.’s office. Gratefully they were willing to kind of “consult” with me on the phone so I didn’t have to fly to Arizona again just for a consult.
It ended with the Doctor ordering the surgery, but we needed to schedule it. From our previously scheduled procedure….we knew getting that done could be a little “hairy”. (meaning….it took a freaking long time)
Now you need to know that we have these phones….they are the kind that announce who’s calling. Like they talk. Are you familiar with those? I love them. If I don’t want to answer, I don’t even have to get up. Okay. It’s a lazy person’s phone.
Lately, our phones have been on the fritz. They will suddenly go blank and not pick up. They will run out of batteries in like an hour. They will just die. It’s SO WEIRD. But obviously we need to think about new ones. No big deal.
Promise, this phone info is going to be important….
So on Thursday, I hear the phone. I’m in the living room. It says that it’s the hospital. Which I’m hoping is a surgery date. Not wanting to have to repeat the last scenario of phone tag. I got up quickly to answer. But the phone fritzed on me. Like went blank. Wouldn’t answer.
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL PEEPS!
So I take of running down the hall to my bedroom where my other phone is.
Granted, I’m in no shape to run. Granted, I’m so top heavy Dolly Parton would stand up and cheer. And I can’t give you the details, because frankly, I can’t remember them.
But I tripped, fell, and rammed straight into the back wall.
Let’s define “into” not bumped into. Maybe “through” would be a better description….
That hole? It’s head shaped. My head shaped. We’re not sure if the upper dent is an elbow or my wrist. Either way, it made my hand cry.
To be quite honest, I was lucky. I was pretty sure my wrist was broken. But just a bad sprain. I tore some tissue in my jaw because I actually hit with the side of my face, not the top of my head. (hence the chin bruising) I have some awesome boob carpet burn. (you wanted to know that….didn’t you!) And I seem to find new bruises every day.
We weren’t sure about a concussion, because the Instacare didn’t have a CT Scan. But I felt fine, so we went home. Then I puked. Like…..Wayne & Garth would have been throwing out every term they knew. “Spew” “Blow Chunks” I’m talking this thing was incredible.
So I had a concussion too. By process of deduction. Not by process of really expensive CatScan.
- Did you know when you run into a wall with your head it makes your whole body hurt? Like you’ve been in a car accident? It totally does.
- Did you know concussions make you want to sleep all day for a week? It totally does.
- Did you know looking at that horrible hole in the drywall is going to drive me to drink? (and I’m not talking Diet Coke!)
Mostly what it did was for SURE steal the last of my joy. That tiny piece that was hanging on hoping it was gonna get watered, and fed, and some sunshine, and grow into a flower again.
I looked at my bracelet from my stunning and motivational friend Ashley of Lil’ Blue Boo. She gave it to me last April and it says “Choose Joy”. I haven’t taken it off since. But I admit, my Joy has withered.
For those that wonder, we did finally get a hold of the hospital. My surgery date is January 8th. Which didn’t help with the joy sitch. Mostly because I just want to get on with it. And we’ll have to meet our deductible again. GAH!
We are on a waiting list, but because the surgery is a 12 hour surgery, it’s quite unlikely that we will be able to move up.
*Medical Update is:
- Nothing evasive until January 8th.
- That surgery will be 12 hours long and will remove the mesh that was used in my previous procedure 5 years ago.
- I will be in Arizona for 2 weeks following that surgery. And then hopefully well enough to fly home, and recover for the remaining 6-8 weeks here.
- There is a very GOOD chance that this might fix my problems. If not we would move into two more major surgeries 6 months apart in 2013.
But I figure that gives me 3 solid months to get my joy back. And to concentrate on my family. My poor kids and husband. Bless them. If you happen to pray for our family, pray for them. My daughter’s teacher called me today to tell me that she’s cried through class for 3 days this week. And she thought I ought to know. I subsequently finished the phone call and sobbed a little myself.
I want to finish by telling you, my friends, readers, family….all of you
how deeply sorry I am.
I know in my head that none of this is my fault.
But in my heart, I ache for the person that is wasting away in this bed. Wanting to travel with you, wanting to create with you, wanting to laugh with you.
I try to come to grips with the facts that your lives continue, and that’s why I don’t see or hear from people as much. But then it was brought to my attention, that maybe I don’t see as much either. We’re all just very caught up in our own lives, aren’t we? Whether our problems are big or small….they are ours….and they seem humongous.
I think the only cure for that is to become humble enough to help another person even when you are having problems. Or to help a person who’s problem seems less than yours. But help them, just because it’s the right thing to do.
If I have failed to write you a thank you card, failed to answer your e-mail, failed to thank you in a proper way….PLEASE know that I am overwhelmed with love and hope because of your kindnesses. I love you all more than you’ll ever know.
And I am hoping that I can buy a little joy seed and plant it in my heart again. So I can share it with all those I love. God bless you in whatever battle you are fighting. And PLEASE don’t put your head into a wall. Oddly, it doesn’t help anything.
Hi Ellie, I’m new around here so I can’t say I have followed your story and know of all the details that have led you to where you are today. Regardless, I can tell that it’s been a long and winding road and I just wanted to tell you that I will be keeping you in my prayers as you go through this journey. I am glad that your fall didn’t end more seriously {although, goodness, it sounds pretty serious!} and that you have been able to find some humor in the situation… laughter is, after all, the best medicine, though I’m sure it’s a little harder to laugh with a busted chin. Ouch! Anyway, I hope that your withered joy is revived soon… maybe it’s a Fall-blooming kind of joy, you never know.
Wishing you healing on all accounts.
Oh friend. As if you needed anything else on your plate. My joy would have been out the window long before yours even faltered. I hope the upcoming holidays and season of family and friends will help nourish yours a little bit until your surgery. I’ve heard candy corn is good nourishment, too. Hang in there, sending prayers, hugs, loves, rainbows, and happy thoughts your way!
Praying Lara! For your comfort, and your family and kiddos, and for a glimmer of joy in the midst of all this!
At the risk of sounding like a crazy stalker, you inspire me. A lot. I’m traveling through my own journey that just isn’t so much fun. And when I read your blog, it reminds me to keep putting one proverbial foot in front of the other, no matter what. You might have lost your joy for right this minute, but you’re still walking through the pain and the frustration and the yuck. You haven’t given up. And I’m not going to give up either. I’m sending love and prayers and plain ol’ good vibes in your direction.
*And in case you’re wondering, my last name really is Joy. Seriously. I lucked into it when I married the love of my life. It was probably one of the most literal and kick heiny ways ever for God to choose joy for me.
I’ve been following your blog for a long time but have never commented until now. First of all, thank you for all of the cute ideas which started me following this blog. I still love following and reading your updates. Second of all, I’m so sorry about the things you are going through right now. I can’t even imagine. You are so inspiring though and I’m sure your story has touched so many people as it has me. I have been feeling sorry for myself as I’ve been laying in bed for a good part of the last month, sick from pregnancy. It’s shocking to me that I have let myself get down about this – because it was very hard for me to get pregnant and I used to think that I would give anything to feel the morning sickness I’d hear other girls complain about. I am still so grateful and happy about my reason for being sick but stressed out about everything going on around me that I can’t be a part of. Your post today reminded me of how lucky I am and how things could be much worse. And believe it or not, when I read about your story it always seems that you still have a good attitude about it all – even though you say you don’t. Thanks for being so inspiring and I hope you feel better very soon!
Can I have your address. I would like to send you a seedling from my Joy plant. I love Joy! Im writing my 31 days of October on Joy. Its tattooed on the inside of my wrist in case I ever lose my Joy at least I carry a little bit with me each day!
Im praying for you, your family, your Joy and your drywall
Love you my sweet inspiring friend. I have this little quote on my wall as part of a bigger thing, it says, “If you don’t have a smile, I’ll give you one of mine.” Here’s a smile from me to you- I love you and I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this hugely difficult thing. xoxo
I think our phones are cousins, because ours have the same problem, & I’m too cheap to replace batteries or buy new ones. You are handling all of this like a champ! And I personally think that if you’re able to write & post about what happened and it’s still laced with that Lara humor we all love, that all joy isn’t completely gone! Right?! The fact that you took a picture of the holes in the wall that you’re modeling with your wrist brace just makes me love you even more! I will pray for your whole family….and this isn’t just a thing I’m saying on your blog to make me & you feel better…..I’m actually gettin’ on my knees and throwing my prayers in the pot with everyone else’s. Keep your bruised chin up, Lara! Love ya.
-Emily Stauffer (do I still need to remind that I’m Ernstrom, or have we all figured out the last names now?)
Know you, I’m pretty handy with dry wall and that putty stuff if you need some help. We love you and pray for you and your family lots. And the relaxi taxi offer is still on the table…
Sending you hugs from Texas! ♥
Hugs Miss Lara. Know you’re loved and that you have at least one person praying for you and your sweet family.
Hope you’re feeling and doing much better! Will also be keeping you and your family in my prayers. Give your kids a hug from me(lol, yes, from a total stranger, but I’ve been following your blog for a long time(blog lurker here!), so that should count for something! ;P and the comment about your dd crying broke my heart!) Hugs!
My phones do the same thing! My mom has already said she is buying my new ones for Christmas.
I am sorry for all of this that you are having to deal with right now. You sure made me smile when we won those tickets to My Fair Lady. Thank you for making a memory for me and my daughter! Lots of hugs coming your way! 
I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this – sending you prayers and well wishes for a successful surgery and whole healing of you… inside and out. (((((HUGS)))))
When it rains it pours, right? I just want you to know that I think you are very brave for sharing your story, and this reader will have you in her prayers this Sunday. Now I want a choose joy bracelet – what a wonderful reminder. Sending old thoughts your way.
Oh, Lara. I wish I did more for you. Hells bells, I’m just up the street. I’m thinking I need to schedule a weekly play date for Millie. What say you?
Sending you prayers and hugs from Nebraska.
Hoping things get better for you & your family…sending a prayer your way now
My husband fell through a wall once but never head first. Big ouchies! On top of everything else that’s going on, you certainly didn’t need this too. Keep looking at that bracelet and know that joy is on its way.
I was so hopeing that you were doing better. My husband and I pray every night for you. Nobody should have to go through what you are going through. I just wish I lived closer to you, I can’t do much but maybe we can sit and laugh at each other until our cheeks hurt, its up to you to decide which ones (LOL). But you can be sure there are prayers coming from Ohio. Love, hugs and kisses are also being sent your way.
Oh my! after all this, God must surely have some awesome things planned for you and your family. Just keep your chin up and …. No wait, no chins up, tuck your chin down, (LOL) and keep chugging along with your beautiful smile and you will get through this!
Hugs and smiles from Louisiana
well- you certainly took that old thing about running ones fist thru the wall at the receipt of bad news!!! seriously..
Praying for you today. May the blessings of the Lord be upon you and your family in Jesus’name!
I love your blog! you are such an inspiration. many in your situation would give up but you find the bright side of it all. i really hope you start to feel better soon. Sending you hugs and well wishes from Australia
This sounds like something that only I, in my complete and utter graceful(less)ness, could accomplish. I am so sorry that you couldn’t quite channel your inner track star and I’m pretty sure that wall had it coming anyway. I’m still praying for you and your family!
I can’t believe the things you have gone through, but you still are hanging in there, which is so great. I am excited to hear good news about the big surgery and will be here waiting for it. (: Keep being amazing and no needless accidents from here on out. (:
Love your blog.
Like you needed one more thing. I love you to death and I’m praying for you and your family. I admire you and your spirit so much. You are such an inspiration!
More Hugs and Prayers from Texas.
I too would like your address to send a silly bit of joy that you so deserve.
You know how they say the hardest part of your body is the elbow well I can vouch for that. At an Aggie football game the guy behind me jumps up cheering and when he came down he nailed me on top on my head. I went down quickly. I had a concussion. Who would have thought it. Headache for almost 2 weeks and yep I wanted to sleep.
Take it easy on the walls. ;o) Walk don’t run would be a good rule to follow. Really sounds like something I would have done.
Oh Lara! Seriously?! This makes me mad! Like you needed one more thing.
I have been gone so much lately this summer. I really want to get on a schedule to visit you…and more for me than for you, because you just cheer me up. We could laugh. It would do us both good.
Love you friend. <3
Though you may not feel like it at the moment, you are one of the bravest, strongest, funniest, women on the web. As one of your readers/FANS wrote : “My joy would have been out the window long before yours even faltered.” To that I say ditto. Ditto a 100 times over. Then the story of your sweet daughter crying for 3 days … wow… that’s a little girl with BIG love for her mom. [smile] SO! January’s surgery WILL work. You WILL be well. And there WILL be joy ~ GOBS of it! Hugs, love, and good mojo from Wisconsin.
Lara:
You don’t know me, but I do follow your blog consistently. My heart goes out to you and your family. You WILL get your joy back. You’ve been through so much, but I just know that you are a tough woman and you won’t let this get the best of you. If I prayed, I would pray for you – but instead I will just send you thought of happy, happy, joy, joy.
Hugs from Pittsburgh!
Jen
Oh, sweetheart. I hope that one day you will be able to look back at those photos and laugh yourself silly. Until then, lots of prayers and happy vibes to you!
ooo Lara – as if you didnt have enough to deal with. I have to say I find they way you’ve dealt with the situation so inspiring you try to remain upbeat and positive. It breaks my heart to think of your little girl crying in class and you having to deal with that. I truly hope you find some of your joy and I am sending you and your family positive thoughts. Good luck. xx
I wish we were neighbors so I could bring over some finger puppets and put on a puppet show for you and give you something to smile about! If I knew how to send this to you, I woul send you this little piece of joy to lay your aching head upon. http://www.etsy.com/listing/107171088/choose-joy-pillow-cover?ref=v1_other_2 Wishing you a sunny, happy day!
Oh Lara, my dear, this sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks and quite frankly, you have handled it with far more aplomb and humor than I ever could have managed. Also please forgive me for giggling a little at the mental picture of you barreling into a wall with your head. It’s just that I’ve seen you do physical comedy and I know how truly gift you are in this area. ALl will well, maybe not today, but soon. Also, please email me your mailing address, I want to send you something.
Hang in there! You will get your joy back!
You poor thing! It would be hard for … Richard Simmons to remain joyful with all that you are going thru! Sheesh!
That said, on to your deductible ~~ sometimes, the previous year’s deductible can be carried over into the first of the following year, especially when it relates to something from near the end of that (previous) year. So, when you have the time and stamina, contact your insurance provider to see if this is the case with your plan. (Fingers crossed!!!)