So…..I bet you aren’t looking for another “what the heck is wrong with Lara” post. But that’s what you’re getting. Sorry folks.
Last week was a normal week. Things around here are pretty mundane. I got some news that I kind of expected.
I will need to have another very LARGE surgery.
And it was kind of hard to swallow.
Even though I’ve felt in my heart that this surgery would be necessary for a very long time now. For some reason, it just sucked out my last little bit of joy. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, that joy just leaves.
I spent several days on long phone calls with the Dr.’s office. Gratefully they were willing to kind of “consult” with me on the phone so I didn’t have to fly to Arizona again just for a consult.
It ended with the Doctor ordering the surgery, but we needed to schedule it. From our previously scheduled procedure….we knew getting that done could be a little “hairy”. (meaning….it took a freaking long time)
Now you need to know that we have these phones….they are the kind that announce who’s calling. Like they talk. Are you familiar with those? I love them. If I don’t want to answer, I don’t even have to get up. Okay. It’s a lazy person’s phone.
Lately, our phones have been on the fritz. They will suddenly go blank and not pick up. They will run out of batteries in like an hour. They will just die. It’s SO WEIRD. But obviously we need to think about new ones. No big deal.
Promise, this phone info is going to be important….
So on Thursday, I hear the phone. I’m in the living room. It says that it’s the hospital. Which I’m hoping is a surgery date. Not wanting to have to repeat the last scenario of phone tag. I got up quickly to answer. But the phone fritzed on me. Like went blank. Wouldn’t answer.
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL PEEPS!
So I take of running down the hall to my bedroom where my other phone is.
Granted, I’m in no shape to run. Granted, I’m so top heavy Dolly Parton would stand up and cheer. And I can’t give you the details, because frankly, I can’t remember them.
But I tripped, fell, and rammed straight into the back wall.
Let’s define “into” not bumped into. Maybe “through” would be a better description….
That hole? It’s head shaped. My head shaped. We’re not sure if the upper dent is an elbow or my wrist. Either way, it made my hand cry.
To be quite honest, I was lucky. I was pretty sure my wrist was broken. But just a bad sprain. I tore some tissue in my jaw because I actually hit with the side of my face, not the top of my head. (hence the chin bruising) I have some awesome boob carpet burn. (you wanted to know that….didn’t you!) And I seem to find new bruises every day.
We weren’t sure about a concussion, because the Instacare didn’t have a CT Scan. But I felt fine, so we went home. Then I puked. Like…..Wayne & Garth would have been throwing out every term they knew. “Spew” “Blow Chunks” I’m talking this thing was incredible.
So I had a concussion too. By process of deduction. Not by process of really expensive CatScan.
- Did you know when you run into a wall with your head it makes your whole body hurt? Like you’ve been in a car accident? It totally does.
- Did you know concussions make you want to sleep all day for a week? It totally does.
- Did you know looking at that horrible hole in the drywall is going to drive me to drink? (and I’m not talking Diet Coke!)
Mostly what it did was for SURE steal the last of my joy. That tiny piece that was hanging on hoping it was gonna get watered, and fed, and some sunshine, and grow into a flower again.
I looked at my bracelet from my stunning and motivational friend Ashley of Lil’ Blue Boo. She gave it to me last April and it says “Choose Joy”. I haven’t taken it off since. But I admit, my Joy has withered.
For those that wonder, we did finally get a hold of the hospital. My surgery date is January 8th. Which didn’t help with the joy sitch. Mostly because I just want to get on with it. And we’ll have to meet our deductible again. GAH!
We are on a waiting list, but because the surgery is a 12 hour surgery, it’s quite unlikely that we will be able to move up.
*Medical Update is:
- Nothing evasive until January 8th.
- That surgery will be 12 hours long and will remove the mesh that was used in my previous procedure 5 years ago.
- I will be in Arizona for 2 weeks following that surgery. And then hopefully well enough to fly home, and recover for the remaining 6-8 weeks here.
- There is a very GOOD chance that this might fix my problems. If not we would move into two more major surgeries 6 months apart in 2013.
But I figure that gives me 3 solid months to get my joy back. And to concentrate on my family. My poor kids and husband. Bless them. If you happen to pray for our family, pray for them. My daughter’s teacher called me today to tell me that she’s cried through class for 3 days this week. And she thought I ought to know. I subsequently finished the phone call and sobbed a little myself.
I want to finish by telling you, my friends, readers, family….all of you
how deeply sorry I am.
I know in my head that none of this is my fault.
But in my heart, I ache for the person that is wasting away in this bed. Wanting to travel with you, wanting to create with you, wanting to laugh with you.
I try to come to grips with the facts that your lives continue, and that’s why I don’t see or hear from people as much. But then it was brought to my attention, that maybe I don’t see as much either. We’re all just very caught up in our own lives, aren’t we? Whether our problems are big or small….they are ours….and they seem humongous.
I think the only cure for that is to become humble enough to help another person even when you are having problems. Or to help a person who’s problem seems less than yours. But help them, just because it’s the right thing to do.
If I have failed to write you a thank you card, failed to answer your e-mail, failed to thank you in a proper way….PLEASE know that I am overwhelmed with love and hope because of your kindnesses. I love you all more than you’ll ever know.
And I am hoping that I can buy a little joy seed and plant it in my heart again. So I can share it with all those I love. God bless you in whatever battle you are fighting. And PLEASE don’t put your head into a wall. Oddly, it doesn’t help anything.