Halloween has officially left us. And can I just say “Thank goodness”!!! I am not a gal who likes scary stuff.
Around here it’s 12 viewings of all 4 Halloweentowns, Hocus Pocus at least 3 times, Garfield’s Halloween, and some of the big daddy of all Halloween awesomeness…..Charlie Brown’s Great Pumpkin.
Beyond that I DON’T DO SCARY.
Because I’m a scaredy cat.
Back in the day, my Dad left me bawling outside Snow White’s Scary adventure because I didn’t want to see the witch. I was probably like 6. And a little prone to drama. (what? me? Drama?)
But lately, I’ve been feeling very scared. And not about the demented circus haunted house that they have down the street.
- I’m scared that my life has changed forever, and that it’s not repairable.
- I’m scared that I will never be healthy again
- I’m scared that my children are being permanently damaged by my illness
- I’m scared that we won’t be able to shoulder the upcoming surgical costs
- I’m scared that people are “over it” and I’m going to be all alone
- I’m scared of being on these kind of drugs for this amount of time
- I’m scared that whatever my calling in life is….I’m not going to be able to do it.
- I’m scared that friendships may be changed forever
- I’m scared that this blog that I poured years and unmentionable hours into….is dying a slow death
It kind of reminded me of one of my favorite poems from Shel Silverstein.
CLICK THE ABOVE ILLUSTRATION
TO HEAR MR. SILVERSTEIN READ THE POEM “WHATIF”
Now seriously, some of the things I’m scared of are legit. But most aren’t. Like how I worry that people who are speaking another language behind me at the store.. somehow they might be saying rude things about me. (I can’t believe I just admitted that….but it’s true)
It reminds me of this one time, when my well meaning mother, had the Fire Department come and do a family personal readiness class in our home. Well with 4 kids under 10 what that’s gonna get you lady is….”What if there’s an earthquake?” “What if the hill lights on fire?” “What if we have a fire and can’t get out?” “What if I get hit by lightening?”
I believe that night we all slept in her room. And the last question was answered with……”well I guess you’ll die then.”
“Yeah….if you want to live your life in fear like that then you might as well figure out what the worst outcome is. And lots of time it’s “well, I guess you’ll die then.”
A lot of my fears have to do with what other people think of me. Do you know that my favorite sound is applause? Because it tells me I’m okay. I did good.
But I want to start a new thing in my life.
Maybe not needing applause. (ewww…..just writing that is giving me withdrawal symptoms)
Maybe not being scared.
Maybe being brave.
Maybe doing things the way I want to, not because people will like it….but because I like it. And if not one other person in the universe likes it….that’s okay. (gah! can you feel the fear in my fingers as I type this? How can I live NOT caring what other people think of me?)
Now I’m really scared. But I think it’s happening. I’ve spent way too much alone time lately worrying about how this person doesn’t like me, or how that shirt makes me look horribly fat. Or trying to figure out the motivation behind so-and-so’s comment on Facebook.
Who the heck cares?
What’s the worst that could happen?
“well I guess you’ll die then”.