Halloween has officially left us. And can I just say “Thank goodness”!!! I am not a gal who likes scary stuff.
Around here it’s 12 viewings of all 4 Halloweentowns, Hocus Pocus at least 3 times, Garfield’s Halloween, and some of the big daddy of all Halloween awesomeness…..Charlie Brown’s Great Pumpkin.
Beyond that I DON’T DO SCARY.
Because I’m a scaredy cat.
Back in the day, my Dad left me bawling outside Snow White’s Scary adventure because I didn’t want to see the witch. I was probably like 6. And a little prone to drama. (what? me? Drama?)
But lately, I’ve been feeling very scared. And not about the demented circus haunted house that they have down the street.
- I’m scared that my life has changed forever, and that it’s not repairable.
- I’m scared that I will never be healthy again
- I’m scared that my children are being permanently damaged by my illness
- I’m scared that we won’t be able to shoulder the upcoming surgical costs
- I’m scared that people are “over it” and I’m going to be all alone
- I’m scared of being on these kind of drugs for this amount of time
- I’m scared that whatever my calling in life is….I’m not going to be able to do it.
- I’m scared that friendships may be changed forever
- I’m scared that this blog that I poured years and unmentionable hours into….is dying a slow death
It kind of reminded me of one of my favorite poems from Shel Silverstein.
CLICK THE ABOVE ILLUSTRATION
TO HEAR MR. SILVERSTEIN READ THE POEM “WHATIF”
Now seriously, some of the things I’m scared of are legit. But most aren’t. Like how I worry that people who are speaking another language behind me at the store.. somehow they might be saying rude things about me. (I can’t believe I just admitted that….but it’s true)
It reminds me of this one time, when my well meaning mother, had the Fire Department come and do a family personal readiness class in our home. Well with 4 kids under 10 what that’s gonna get you lady is….”What if there’s an earthquake?” “What if the hill lights on fire?” “What if we have a fire and can’t get out?” “What if I get hit by lightening?”
I believe that night we all slept in her room. And the last question was answered with……”well I guess you’ll die then.”
“Ummm….excuse me?”
“Yeah….if you want to live your life in fear like that then you might as well figure out what the worst outcome is. And lots of time it’s “well, I guess you’ll die then.”
A lot of my fears have to do with what other people think of me. Do you know that my favorite sound is applause? Because it tells me I’m okay. I did good.
But I want to start a new thing in my life.
It’s scary.
Maybe not needing applause. (ewww…..just writing that is giving me withdrawal symptoms)
Maybe not being scared.
Maybe being brave.
Maybe doing things the way I want to, not because people will like it….but because I like it. And if not one other person in the universe likes it….that’s okay. (gah! can you feel the fear in my fingers as I type this? How can I live NOT caring what other people think of me?)
Now I’m really scared. But I think it’s happening. I’ve spent way too much alone time lately worrying about how this person doesn’t like me, or how that shirt makes me look horribly fat. Or trying to figure out the motivation behind so-and-so’s comment on Facebook.
Who the heck cares?
What’s the worst that could happen?
“well I guess you’ll die then”.
Meh.
I guess.
I think you are one of the bravest women, mothers, wives an d bloggers on the planet! Keep your spirits high, your hair spiked and fridge stocked with diet coke!
My hair is spiked. More from bed head than style however. And I’ve got the Diet Coke covered. Thank you for the lovely comment.
Thank you for these words. I can relate to so much of this. And in case you ever wonder if what you write here makes a difference, please let me assure you that it does. It absolutely does.
Wow. I do wonder that ALL the time, Jenny Joy. For real. So thank you for letting me know.
I love you and your blog!! The end.
And I think you are adorable. The end..
I think if we all aired our fears we would be surprised at the extremely long list…and surprised by much of what we see on said lists. You may no longer want/need/crave applause but I shall applaud you just the same. In fact, you deserve one ginormous standing ovation.
Freak….you know me well enough to know I’m never gonna get over needing applause. That is such bull-crap. I adore it.
I’ve been quietly following your blog for awhile now. I don’t know if I’ve ever even dared leave a comment because I’m scared!! What if I’m a weirdo for leaving a comment on a “strangers” blog?? See, we all have fears. I just feel for you and love that through these extremely difficult and painful experiences you are going through, you’re still brave enough to talk about it, invite people in to watch you go through it, and never try to sugar coat things. There is way too much sugar coating that goes on in the world and it usually makes people feel worse instead of feeling better. I’m so sorry that you have these mountains to climb before you are going to be well again. It really must suck! You always say things that I feel I can relate to a little tiny bit although not on the same scale or magnitude. You can be brave because to me, you already are brave. Even strangers like me are cheering for you!
I am SOOOOOO glad you left a comment. I just adore it. It gives me a chance to meet you and hear what you have to say. Although I do QUITE enjoy sugar….maybe if I quit coating everything in it….I’d lose a few pounds? {tee hee} Really. Thank you for reading. And leave me a message anytime. I’m a real person. And I LOVE new friends.
Hear that? Yes it’s applause. You are so heroic. I love your blog, I love your spunkieness (is that even a word?) You make a difference in my life.
Thanks Joanne. I kinda have a feeling I’m not going to be able to overcome my love of applause. It’s like crack to me.
God Bless you! I was always told to get what is bothering you out into the open. If you need your blog to do that, so be it. Honey you should know that we all love you and praying that you get well soon. My husband and I pray for you each night that a mircale will come into your life. Your children may be stronger as long as they are loved. And for your friends, you can’t get rid of us any time soon. I probably speak for most of your friends, that if they could wave a magic wand, all of us would. So when sad thoughts come into your head…Have a diet coke and smile thinking of all of us loving you. I wish I didn’t live so far away. My choice of drink is diet coke too.
Oh Shirley, I know I can count on you. The fact that you pray for me……seriously I just have these tears streaming down my face. Who does that? You are amazing and one day I hope we can share an icy diet coke. I would love that.
I’m scared too. Sometimes I get very discouraged and want to quit, but then I remember that there is so much to live for, or my blog for in my case. I love your blog, read it all the time and pray for you. You gave me chills with this post, so you much be doing something right.
Maybe you were just cold. {tee hee} I think all bloggers want to quit. At least once a week. So don’t you worry about that at all.
Ellie, I have been following your blog for about a year now, and your posts about your real life are so real and uplifting. They are the real fears of real people, even if they aren’t stuck in bed with a horrible illness. I fear that I’ve said the wrong thing and people won’t realize that I didn’t mean any harm. I fear that as hard as I work as a stay at home mom, that financially we will still sink in this economy. I fear that I am not attentive enough to my kids. I worry about my relatives in the paths of hurricanes. I’ve just decided that if i dwell upon those fears they just make me depressed. So I have faith that things will be okay, and I do what I can. This life is all about choices, and I choose to be happy. Love your blog.
True. That sounds like something I could have written too. That is so great. Just because it’s not just me. I agree though….let’s choose to be happy.
Hi. I don’t comment often, but I do follow your blog! If truth be told, I admire you for your strength and ability to endure what you’ve been given with grace and humility more than your crafty ability…don’t get me wrong, I admire that part of you too, but you have been dealt a pretty crappy hand and yet you still keep going. Your children are seeing their mother endure incredible pain, yet you keep going…don’t worry that your damaging them…just keep loving them and they’ll be fine! Hang in there and screw the ones that judge you…don’t worry what people think…I have to think that others admire you too. Whatever lies ahead is unknown, but know that you do inspire others!
Kathrine, this made me tear up. I DO worry so much. And I shouldn’t. Why would I want those people in my life anyway. Positivity, positivity….right? Thank you for deciding to comment. Really.
You are not alone! God is with you at ALL times. I will continue to pray for you and your family. For peace, strength, and blessing. And healing! In Jesus’ name.
He is. It’s true. Thanks for the reminder.
Twenty seven years ago, my husband got sick, really sick. We had only been married a few years and had one young son. It has been an interesting, heartbreaking, euphoric, and challenging journey… but I am thankful for out life. We have been given a chance to grow in incredible ways that would never have been possible had the journey taken an easier road. Our children (we have three now) have such empathy and compassion for others. I too worried if the challenges that we faced as a family would somehow spiral them in an unwanted direction but that didn’t happen. Because their life was not as traditional as others, they learned to look beyond a situation to the person behind it. They are so very accepting of others who may be different. I’m so proud of them. Above all, they always knew they were loved. That’s what children need above all else…to know they are loved. I haven’t followed your blog for very long, but I feel as if I already see your heart. And your love for your family. And your determination in the midst of this challenge. You can do it and they journey is worth the effort!
Oh my goodness Maria. I so needed this comment. It has warmed my heart and reminded me to just focus on making sure they know I love them. And I am praying that one day I can look back and be grateful for this year of my life…and all the others….that I’ve given up. I pray there will be a reason. And it’s people like you that help me have stronger faith.
just a word of encouragement. HE is always with us. I know what some of your fears are like myself having not recovered as quickly from a hip surgery as others would think it should be. and most folks really do not want to hear the details of why things are as they are which would help them be less judgmental. Sorry you do not really need to hear someone else’s challenges but just wanted to let you know that i do empathize. really totally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Thank you so much Brenda. I have learned that even when situations aren’t identical….they certainly produce similar feelings. So thank you for your heart felt empathy. It is very appreciated.
I think the hardest thing to face is letting go of our expectations and what we thought our lives would be, and embracing a new normal. I can so relate to many of your fears, especially about how our challenges are affecting our children and I so appreciate Maria’s comment about how it’s helped her children become more compassionate to others. That is what I hope for mine. I love to read your blog and hope that you feel that loved poured back to you from all your loyal readers.
It really is such a horrible thing to embrace something that is different than you had planned. Scary for sure. But My kids are amazing. That is very true. Thank you so much for continuing to hang around.
Best post ever! I love you!
Awww…..thanks.
One of the hardest challenges in life for me is to have faith and love in myself. It is hard to shake off fear. I know you can do it! You are amazing for sharing all that you have here.
It’s because it’s behind my computer and not in person…..I’m a wimp in real life.
Loved the post. Let me know all your tips for not caring what everyone thinks, that would be so liberating!
Oh my gosh….don’t hold your breath.
But I do promise to try!
I remember bonding over our mutual fear of well, everything…member how there was a cemetery practically in our back yard? And worse, my dad was in it! How did we survive that? Anyway, as you know I’m also afraid of all the what ifs. I hate being afraid! It’s gotta be hard to not worry when you can’t distract yourself either. I wish I could do something for you. I think about you all the time. I figure you’d think I was weird if I stopped by some day seeing as how I haven’t seen you in forever. But you are one of my favorite people ever! And not because you are super talented, which you are, but because you are a REAL person. I love that you are so easy to relate to. Anyway, not sure where I’m going with this except to say that I hope you know that you are certainly not forgotten. And I’m certainly not “over it.” I’ll keep praying for you..promise!
Oh my hell, you get your butt over here right this second! I would never think that was weird. And guess what? 98% of the time I’m here.
We did bond over our fears. That stupid cemetery. Member when we put a balloon on your Dad’s grave? That makes me giggle to this day. And the freaky plant? I love you to death. As does my husband. I hope you know that!
If you ask me, being brave is one of the scariest things you can do. It is hella scary to put on a brave face and muddle through things all the while you are wanting to scream your head off. I really admire your strength and your bravery – because it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like you do. Keep pretending to be brave and eventually you actually will be
{{{HUGS}}} First of all this blog is yours – yours to be vocal on no matter the circumstance. Never fear – if they don’t like what is being said, felt or thought kindly direct them to the little x at the top of the page! I adore your blog – as do all the ladies who commented above this comment. I wish you well and check in daily to see if you’ve felt up to posting because I always go away feeling a better me in some way. I was just talking about my health issues with a friend – I eat right – portion control, calorie count, drink 8+ cups of water a day, etc.., I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke and I gain weight and have health issues out the wazoo – I go Thursday to find out if I am having surgery – AGAIN… He says it isn’t the mesh…. it’s the way my body healed…. yada, yada…. either way the next surgery is major and will have me off work for 6 – 8 weeks or longer. Meanwhile, the lady in the office two doors down drinks, smokes, sleeps around and she hit the lottery for $22,000 – crazy! Please know that there are people out there both thinking of and praying for… YOU!
re the person that is on the wildside and wins the lottery, I once had a very wise man tell me not to be concerned about the unfairness of this sort but to hope they get maximum delight and pleasure from it because if they are unsaved individuals this is all there is for them.
This is me clapping!!!!!! (Feeling better yet, cause I can applaud you all day long!!!) Love ya Lara!
Scared? I think you’re pretty fearless. Your honesty, grace, and bravery are inspiring. No matter what you write about, I always end up with a smile on my face because you never give up. Prayers for healing and peace.