So it’s a couple days after Christmas. We had an absolutely smashing day. Mostly for my kids. I felt like quite the failure. There were no gingerbread houses, no sugar cookies, no craft projects.
My husband’s Christmas was….well…pathetic. Granted part of that was because I couldn’t get out of the house. But part was also because when you ask him what he wants he says “a Porsche and a big screen TV.”
Nice Dude.
But, of course, he made amends when he set up all of Christmas, baked our traditional breakfast cassarole, built a dolly bed, set up a gaming system. 3am bedtime, he’s a champ.
But as much as I tried, I was still just so overwhelmed with the feeling of not living up to the “Christmas” I knew I was capable of just watching it happen…was killing me. It reminded me of this amazing song from the Jim Carrey version of the Grinch:
(PS…for the record…I am a purist Grinch lover, and this is pretty much the only part I like. There. I said it)
There’s been several times in my life where this song makes so much sense. Particularly after my Dad passed away. As an 8 year old….and the daughter of a Man who made Christmas larger than life…I didn’t think Christmas could ever be good again. It was though. Good, and great, and amazing and magical. All the things he loved.
But this year it was just so hard for me to find the excitement I normally have. I love to listen to the music, but I couldn’t dance to it. I love to buy the presents, but I couldn’t wrap them extravagantly. I love to look at the tree, but I couldn’t put it up.
The frustration level was so high that it began to make me feel a depression that I didn’t like….AT ALL.
And here’s the spot where I tell you some amazing story of how I over came it and learned a lesson and found joy all over again.
But instead, it’s the spot where I tell you I’m sad, and scared, and if one more person implies that going through a 12 hour surgery in a week and a half means that I’ll magically be better immediately afterward, and should be jumping up and down about it……I’m sorry.
I’m not. I’m scared, and I don’t really want to be in more pain, on more drugs, and be away from my family for 3 weeks. And no matter how you train that dog….it just won’t hunt. (thanks Dr. Phil)
But I pride myself on choosing joy.
I’ve done it for over a year.
I am now in a state of “searching for joy”.
It’s for sure not in food.
Nor is it in ignoring your phone, friends, computer, and family.
Nor is it in taking just one extra pill so you can just sleep it off.
But I swear I will find it. And I’m going to hope that it comes as I choose my “one word for 2013“.
I think about it night and day. And some of my friends are gonna come by and share theirs with you too. Just like last year. It was probably the most uplifting month of blog reading I did all year. I really was inspired.
So send out your prayers that mine will come, and give me some peace. (and no, peace is not it) And start thinking of yours. Because I’m convinced that it’s is the one and ONLY way to set New Years Goals.
I’ll be back on January 2nd with mine. (because the first is a holiday….and hubs is home….and when he’s home…..I sleep ALL DAY!) True. Gosh this is sad. I’m totally a Holiday Debbie Downer. Wah Wah….
I am with you on the searching for joy. Joy Hunters!
My husband always says that a year that starts bad ends good. I hope that holds true for you. Having dealt with pain and surgeries myself, the only advice I have for you is to be kind to yourself and don’t expect any more from yourself than you would expect out of someone else in the same situation as you.
Unfortunately I’m right there with you this year.
I had a surgery last month and the recovery has been so slow. Because of it there have been no cookies, very little decorations, and a lot of disappointment for me. I like that you are searching for joy I guess I am too. Love the comment above mine that says to treat yourself like you would someone in your same situation. I feel like as mothers we don’t do that enough. I can’t wait to hear your word for the year, I haven’t picked mine yet.
I was in your place last year as I chose my word. Let me just tell you that my most favorite word in the English language is “JOY”, but I was far from enjoying joy. My word for last year was “MEND”. I needed to mend and become whole again before I could move on. I am better, not whole again. I’m thinking I will never be whole again, but I’m still trying to “choose Joy”. My 2013 word is “Blessings”. I need to recognize the blessings that I enjoy daily. I need to become a ‘blessing’ to others. I need reach out to give more freely. Best Wishes
I like the idea of being a “Joy Hunter”.
I have been in your position. It is a terrible feeling to be a mom who can’t do all you would like to do for your family. As my grandma would say ” Be Kind To Yourself” , “Be gentle with You”….I will be saying some extra prayers for you. I have been in your position a few years ago. I had to have surgery to walk pain free and normal again. It was a difficult time, but many good things came out of it.
I just wanted to leave you a big giant squishy virtual hug Miss Lara. Pain and surgeries and feeling stuck are all awful things to have to deal with at any time of the year, much less the holidays. Know that I’m saying huge prayers for you and your family. I really like what Becki said about her word of the year last year: MEND. That one seems fitting in so many ways.
I know there is not much that can perk ya up when you feel this way… but Christmas is abut so much more then if you make sugar cookies and gingerbread houses. To your family, you being around is a gift in itself. It was just one, and there will be more. A New Year will be unfolding soon. You’ll have your surgery and then be on the road to a real recovery. Look forward to being a little bit better each day. Take little bites and baby steps and then.. you’ll stop, look back and think; “Wow, here I am running and biting off more then I can chew again!”
Wishes for health and much happiness in 2013 for you!!!! You certainly deserve it.
I was thinking about you last night and wondering how you weathered the Christmas holidays. You’ve done better than I thought. I lost my grandmother just before Thanksgiving. My mother was grieving and having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Grandma presided over Christmas in a beaded gown, sitting on her throne in her living room, while all of her subjects (children and grand children) did her bidding. Usually singing or reciting a poem or some other funny little act. This was her Christmas in the later years. She couldn’t hear very well, couldn’t see, and couldn’t walk. This year, I’d like to think that she spent Christmas with everyone of her children and grand children. She could hear and see and MOVE! This year Christmas was more about serving others, and remembering why we celebrate the birth of such an amazing person. He was there to carry the sorrows of my mother. He was there to remind me that my friend’s financial difficulty was more important than us getting a new dishwasher (now). Being the Mom can be a very stressful job. Especially when we are over achievers. I can understand how your present concerns overshadow the joy of the Christmas season. Anyone who wasn’t scared of a major surgery would be bonkers! I really do help that it works for you. You have been very patient in your affliction. And I know you don’t know me from Eve, but if it helps to know, I will be praying for you. As I am sure others will be.
Lara, i read this with empathy as we have had a stroke in our family this year. Thankfully a minor one, nevertheless there is the roller coaster of emotion after the surgery. I’m trying to figure out how to marshal the boys (and girl) to recognize that mom needs help. Normally she’s a train. unstoppable. like you. Recent events though have given us cause to slow down, lower expectations a little and accept help and be amazed at the kindnesses of friends we didn’t even know we had. Where do these thoughtful people come from? We need to become them!
Lara, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been praying for you when you cross my mind, and will add this to my prayers. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13, NIV)
Hey girl! You thought you were going to get by without me commenting. Fat chance.. We will be praying for you and your family. Hang in there and offer the pain up to God. They say that God only gives us as much as we can handle. Well, I will pray that he lets up on you. I don’t mean to make light of the situation but you know that I care and want the best for you. So we will storm the heavens with prayer and peace for you. I am going to have a diet coke, cheers!
You CAN do this Lara! You and your sweet family will be in my prayers more than ever when you are in Phoenix. We can only think positive thoughts until then. I love you friend! Debbie Downer is my favorite. #meowmeow
I really have nothing good to say…but I felt I needed to leave a comment to let you know I’m just a supportive reader praying for you.
Lara, you have given me a great idea for next year. Find someone to help with their Christmas. I think we all get more joy when we give. You are in a phase where your job is to receive and when you recover completely and feel like a million bucks you will be able to give again too.
Personally I think it is so much harder to receive! I am praying for a completely successful surgery and a fantastic 2013 Christmas!
prayers and hugs
::tears::
Told them all to just call me KillJoy all season long. I have been right there with you. The progression of this stupid neuro stuff has just wiped me out. And I too spent the entire month of December depressed and unable to get out of it…
We traditionally put our tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving. It sat in a box for 2 weeks before my 12 yr old put it up for me. Then it was December 22 or so before the first ornaments went on.
We didn’t go one single time and look at Christmas lights. No carols got sang. No gingerbread houses. Nothing. *sigh*
Ironically putting the tree up and decorating it helped me immensely. But I just never got the Christmas spirit this year.
2013 is off to a decent start for me mentally. But I’ve also made peace with my decision that some friends and some family members are going to have to go. Their behaviors that are self-destructive are bad enough. Buy when they are influencing and dragging down my already stressful world (and today crossed a line into emotional manipulation (which i consider abuse) toward my son… well. I just want to scream at them. You screwed me up. You don’t get to screw him up. He’s mine.)
Lol. None of that being here nor there in your life. Just to say that I spent December in the same emotional wasteland. But I’m fighting my way out.
And when you’re ready you will too.
And please. No jumping around right after surgery! It’s hard on the stitches! Lol!
You poor baby! Sending prayers your way, and hoping you find your peace and joy. I definitely feel for you; my 32 year old son was in a motorcycle accident right before Christmas last year, so we spent that holiday sitting in an ICU waiting room, praying we didn’t lose him, and it was close. He broke everything in his body but his head, but had 2 strokes from blood loss. He’s finally able to walk a little with a cane, and can stand and sit back down on his own, but its been a long hard struggle for him. They haven’t even started working on his arms and hands yet. He loved to dance and was an amazing artist, and can’t do any of those things—YET!!! And he’s in constant pain everyday. But he was HERE with us this Christmas, and each day, millimeter by millimeter, he gets just a little bit better. When you’re in that situation it’s hard to imagine it will ever end, that you’ll ever be “normal” again. His wife of 8 years left him 2 months after the accident because she didn’t “sign up” to be his nurse. RRRRRR!!! His life won’t ever be the same, and yours might not either. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing. Now you know who really is there for you, and how much your family loves you, and when you finally CAN do (most?) of the things you used to, you won’t take them for granted, and you’ll find even GREATER joy in them. We celebrate each small victory just like we did when he was a baby; remember recording first smiles, first words, first steps? And this time it’s even more precious because we know how hard he’s had to work for each step. Enjoy your family, accept their help and love, and keep fighting. It is worth it. And so are you.