So it’s a couple days after Christmas. We had an absolutely smashing day. Mostly for my kids. I felt like quite the failure. There were no gingerbread houses, no sugar cookies, no craft projects.
My husband’s Christmas was….well…pathetic. Granted part of that was because I couldn’t get out of the house. But part was also because when you ask him what he wants he says “a Porsche and a big screen TV.”
But, of course, he made amends when he set up all of Christmas, baked our traditional breakfast cassarole, built a dolly bed, set up a gaming system. 3am bedtime, he’s a champ.
But as much as I tried, I was still just so overwhelmed with the feeling of not living up to the “Christmas” I knew I was capable of just watching it happen…was killing me. It reminded me of this amazing song from the Jim Carrey version of the Grinch:
(PS…for the record…I am a purist Grinch lover, and this is pretty much the only part I like. There. I said it)
There’s been several times in my life where this song makes so much sense. Particularly after my Dad passed away. As an 8 year old….and the daughter of a Man who made Christmas larger than life…I didn’t think Christmas could ever be good again. It was though. Good, and great, and amazing and magical. All the things he loved.
But this year it was just so hard for me to find the excitement I normally have. I love to listen to the music, but I couldn’t dance to it. I love to buy the presents, but I couldn’t wrap them extravagantly. I love to look at the tree, but I couldn’t put it up.
The frustration level was so high that it began to make me feel a depression that I didn’t like….AT ALL.
And here’s the spot where I tell you some amazing story of how I over came it and learned a lesson and found joy all over again.
But instead, it’s the spot where I tell you I’m sad, and scared, and if one more person implies that going through a 12 hour surgery in a week and a half means that I’ll magically be better immediately afterward, and should be jumping up and down about it……I’m sorry.
I’m not. I’m scared, and I don’t really want to be in more pain, on more drugs, and be away from my family for 3 weeks. And no matter how you train that dog….it just won’t hunt. (thanks Dr. Phil)
But I pride myself on choosing joy.
I’ve done it for over a year.
I am now in a state of “searching for joy”.
It’s for sure not in food.
Nor is it in ignoring your phone, friends, computer, and family.
Nor is it in taking just one extra pill so you can just sleep it off.
But I swear I will find it. And I’m going to hope that it comes as I choose my “one word for 2013“.
I think about it night and day. And some of my friends are gonna come by and share theirs with you too. Just like last year. It was probably the most uplifting month of blog reading I did all year. I really was inspired.
So send out your prayers that mine will come, and give me some peace. (and no, peace is not it) And start thinking of yours. Because I’m convinced that it’s is the one and ONLY way to set New Years Goals.
I’ll be back on January 2nd with mine. (because the first is a holiday….and hubs is home….and when he’s home…..I sleep ALL DAY!) True. Gosh this is sad. I’m totally a Holiday Debbie Downer. Wah Wah….