Hello readers! I only write (as of late) when I feel like I have something to share. Something that might lift another. Something that might help another. At the very least something of interest.
And guys….I got NOTHING!
I’m heading to Phoenix again tomorrow…heading for who knows what. Last time I ended up in an unplanned surgery. If you think you are sick of this LCMF TV show that seems on constant re-run. Believe me…..I’m ready to take the TV and throw it in the toilet. It would have to be a really big toilet. But once we saw those at a plumbing store. Not kidding. A very large toilet for larger folks. I kinda loved it. I digress…
My story just isn’t changing. But I’ll tell you what IS changing… my ability to share something that might lift another. Mostly because I am so very despondent myself. (oh, yes I did use “despondent” it’s a prettier way than saying “depressed”. Plus, I love words. I’m a word nerd.) I’m not afraid to admit to suffering from both depression and anxiety. I am being treated for both. And WILL NOT need to get into a conversation about whether that’s a good idea or not. I’m just stating it. And saying that I’m not ashamed. However, these treatments were going on WAY before this whole thing.
One time my doctor asked me, “how are you doing with all this? I mean, emotionally.” And I had to say, “well hell doc, I’m depressed. But I don’t think a third anti-depressant medicine would be well advised!” He laughed his butt off. Which is my kind of dude. Because it’s obvious that I’m kidding….
UNTIL I WASN’T…
Remember a while ago when I wrote a post talking about The Truth? It was kind of one of my favies. Because I was able to be so real with you.
The real truth is that I have lost most of my ability to keep fighting. I was feeling very excited after my giant January surgery because even though it was daunting, I would gradually recover and get back to me. Hard work…whatever. I COULD DO IT!
But then I started feeling pain again. Different pain. But still very intense pain. For reals?
I started having thoughts that were NOT awesome. So we got a fantastic therapist to come to the house and talk with me. (not ashamed. Please don’t judge our choices. You can believe whatever you’d like. This is the course we’ve chosen and I don’t mind being honest about it.)
The truth is
- it’s now over a year and a half of my life I’ve given to a medical mistake
- I’m in pain all day. And sometime it’s mind-blowing pain and I can only take my allotted medicine.
- I’m alone ALL THE TIME
- I think my body gets confused about day and night. So I just sleep when I’m tired
- I just missed year 2 of my daughter’s dance recital.
- My son steals food and lies about it
- My husband can’t handle groceries and laundry and kid time and Mom time and a full time VERY stressful job.
But we have to face all of this because it’s the TRUTH. But it’s depressing truth. (Or what was it…despondent? I also enjoy melancholy.)
So to leave you with the LCMF fun truths….let’s do a little embarrass Lara entry…shall we?
- The amazing girls at R House Couture made me this BEAUTIFUL necklace after I revealed my 2013 One Word for the year. I bawled like a baby. And I want to write you an amazing entry about how I have “risen” above everything.
To be honest, the most I have used “rise” in the last month is to get up and try to pee. (that part doesn’t work very well) I also “rise” if a really vigorous fart lifts me off the bed. (What? It happens.)
- I have Kraft marshmallow fluff in my cupboard. And I’m not afraid to use it.
- I now love The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Well not all of them. But some.
- If the E! Network was the only channel on TV. I’d probably be okay.
- We are so foodless in this house. The other day I ate 3 strips of pre-cooked bacon and called it a day.
- I watched all 8 hours of the the Ken Burns Civil War Documentary. And then had a dream that I was going on vacation to Gettysburg in the 1800′s. And I couldn’t remember EXACTLY the date of the the battle. Because I felt that might ruin my vacation.
- I watched The Notebook. And yes, gasp aloud if you need. I’d never seen it. It was great. But Rachel McAdams will never be anything but Regina George to me. And that’s all there is to it.
- I’ve gained back 10lbs in the month since my last surgery. Which sucks, because I wasn’t that svelt to begin with. But know what I’m super proud of? My ingenuity. Sometimes I have to ice that lady region. But putting an ice pack “down there” can sometime get me thigh frost burn. So check out my invention…
How could I not be proud of putting my old (awesome skinny girl size) boy short panties on the outside to hold the ice pack? Sexy as HELL!!!! And now my ice doesn’t burn me. Plus I look freakin’ hot!
(If I don’t get blogger points for this…..I am downright disappointed.)