While I’m out taking a break and healing from surgery, some of my favorite bloggers and bestest of friends have kindly agreed to help out with an LCMF blog series:

This series will hopefully answer some of your most frequently asked questions about “what can I do?” for someone who might be needing your help or support.

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Thank you so much for coming Kari! You know, the art of a written note of encouragement is a LOST ART. It’s so very sad that we don’t do that anymore. In fact, I recently found a hand-written note from my Grandma. And I remembered how much notes like that mean to me. Great reminder Kari.

Please visit Kari at her amazing blog: UCreate. (One more favor Kari…a million dollars.  Just kidding.)

While I’m out taking a break and healing from surgery, some of my favorite bloggers and bestest of friends have kindly agreed to help out with an LCMF blog series:

This series will hopefully answer some of your most frequently asked questions about “what can I do?” for someone who might be needing your help or support.

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Alright, so I’m going to admit right off the bat, that thinking about what to write for this post about kindness through service, or small acts… has really thrown me for a loop. Not because I don’t EVER do them, but because I realized, after thinking about it, that I don’t really know how or WHAT to do!

At the risk of potentially being not very liked by a lot of Less Cake More Frosting readers, I’m going to admit something that (I hope) more people than just ME struggle with. And that is:

Never knowing WHAT to say or do, when someone is in need, for the fear of looking and/or feeling stupid.

I’ll confess right now that I’ve never had to deal with death, a huge loss or life-changing illnesses with anyone in my family. And for that, I feel SO lucky.

But, as horrible as this is going to sound, NOT having any sort of experience with the topic leaves me feeling guilty and useless when a friend needs or wants support, while going through a trial such as these.

I never want to be a hypocrite and say “I know what you’re going through” or “It will get better with time”… because I really DON’T KNOW! (???) And I’d hate to say the wrong thing and upset this person who’s already in pain, even more

The same goes for the actual service side of things. When someone is going through something awful, how do you know what their personal boundaries are, because everyone is different, and ASKING them just seems to cheapen the service (?)

Do you offer to just bring them a meal, quickly drop it off at their door and leave, to respect their privacy?… or do you bust in their house unannounced, sweep and mop their kitchen floor, fold their clean underwear and attempt to cheer them up?

This brings me to a little discussion that I had with some close friends not too long ago.

I told them how I felt about this subject, of not feeling like I knew what to do for people in need, because I didn’t want to invade on their “personal space” or cross any lines that I wasn’t aware of, and one of them said something that really struck a cord with me. She said…

“Shelley, stop thinking about how YOU’RE going to feel,
and just think about what THAT person needs.
It’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM.”

She was SO right! I was looking at the situation totally wrong. I can’t pretend to put myself in someones shoes who is literally going through hell on earth, and know exactly what they want or need… but I CAN choose to do SOMETHING rather than nothing, no matter how big or small, because then at least they’ll know that I care about and love them.

My cute, amazing friend Kami, who lost her dear baby not too long ago, wrote an article for Baby Center sharing “5 sweet things you can do for friend that has experienced loss“. It really opened my eyes and was such a great article for me to read. A few of the ideas were simple things, like

• just acknowledging that persons loss (or pain)
• simply sending them a handwritten note to let them know you are thinking of them.

Small acts of kindness that speak volumes. You can read the entire article over at Baby Center.

Before I close, I don’t want to be completely useless, so I thought I would share a suggestion of a service that I think a lot of us (especially as Mom’s) already tend to do for our friends when they are in need, but something I want to reiterate.

I know that when I’m going through a hard time, I always appreciate someone taking my kids and doing something fun with them. A lot of the time our smaller children don’t understand the concept of grief, pain, or even stress, and I know that offering to take someones kids for a day of fun, when that Mom or Dad can’t, will always be well received.

So while I may not be the best at this topic (and am totally going to be soaking in EVERY suggestion made by each of the amazing bloggers who write in this series) I DO want to say, that it’s OKAY if you feel like you DON’T know what to do, you’re not alone. But from talking to friends who HAVE gone through really tough times, they have ALL said the same basic thing:

Doing or saying SOMETHING, is ALWAYS better then doing or saying nothing.

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Thank you so much for coming Shelley! I have to say, that I personally talked with Shelley about this post. And she was not sure if she could write it. But I just KNEW she wasn’t the ONLY one feeling this way. I am so amazingly grateful to her for being so brave as to speak about it in public.

Lots of people aren’t quite sure what to do for others. It’s totally NOT just you, Shelley. But she’s so right. It’s the little things. Just little, tiny, things.

Please visit Shelley at her amazing blog: House of Smiths. (Although I’m pretty sure you’ve already visited her. Let’s just say you haven’t….you should!)

While I’m out taking a break and healing from surgery, some of my favorite bloggers and bestest of friends have kindly agreed to help out with an LCMF blog series:

This series will hopefully answer some of your most frequently asked questions about “what can I do?” for someone who might be needing your help or support.

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Hi! I’m Stacy from Not Just A Housewife.

There have been so many times in my life where I have had to accept help. And it is hard.

Growing up my father lived a life of service. He gave of his time, talents, and money. Everyday he served others. It came so natural to him.

He became sick with cancer when I was a teenager and it got to the point where he could no longer run his business. And then it got to the point where he could no longer care for himself. He became completely dependent upon the help and service of others.
For the first time in his life the roles had been reversed. It drove my dad crazy!

It was so hard for him to accept service from others. He eventually was able to come to terms with it and allow all around him to do what they needed to do.

Right before he died, he called us kids in the room and told us that aside from dying, accepting service was the hardest thing he had ever done. He didn’t want us to go through life unwilling to let others serve us. He said it is a humbling yet sweet experience to be on the other side of it. My dad said we needed to let others gain the blessings that come from service.

I was 15 years old when he died. And at the time I thought I was invincible and would probably not have a time where I would need anyone’s help.

Well I was obviously wrong.
There have been more times than I can count where I have needed others.
But the hardest time for me was when my husband was laid off for the first time.

We were okay at first but it did not take long for our saving to be depleted. We got behind on bills. We had lots of food storage but even that started to run out. I sat down one day and finally admitted to myself that we needed help.

Thanks to family and our church we were able to scrape by. It was so humiliating to ask. It made me sick inside at first. But the words of my father came back to me and I tried to be okay with it. I tried to focus on the good that was being done and WHY it was being done.

I felt such love and support as friends found odd jobs for us. I felt uplifted every time a reader would email me a note of encouragement. And I wept when not one, but 2 families provided things for Christmas.

I took that opportunity to let my kids know how important it is to let others serve us. I told them that just like we get blessed when we help others, those who were helping us would be blessed.

I also tried to let them know that it is not just giving money that can help others. I said we could serve even if we didn’t have money.

So that year we did a service project everyday for the month of December.

• Some days it was as simple as making a treat for an older couple in our neighborhood and visiting with them.

I think giving service helped  me to be more okay with receiving it as well.

We have actually been laid off 2 more times since then. Yep, 3 times in less than 2 years. And right now my husband is going through a career change because the economy is so hard for architects right now. I know we would not be in this transitional, but happy place if it were not for the love, support, and SERVICE of those around us.

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Thank you so much for coming Stacy! I knew Stacy would have some amazingly insightful words and ideas.  She and I both lost our fathers way too early in life.  And the best thing you can do with that icky situation….is learn how to help others.  Stacy is an amazing wife and mother.  And she’s SO RIGHT about accepting service.  That is super hard!

Please visit Stacy at her amazing blog: Not Just a Housewife. (she has her own power-tools and knows how to use them. Not kidding!)

While I’m out taking a break and healing from surgery, some of my favorite bloggers and bestest of friends have kindly agreed to help out with an LCMF blog series:

This series will hopefully answer some of your most frequently asked questions about “what can I do?” for someone who might be needing your help or support.

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First things first- there’s really no way around it – I adore you Lara. Not only do you make me laugh my guts out, but you are also genuine and talented. You’re stylish and fun. You are an amazing example of strength and “keep on keepin’ on” even when it’s really hard. I am lucky to call you my friend. And you better keep this in my post or I will hurt you.

There have been many times that I have been the recipient of good. Some of my favorite things are the littlest of kind deeds. Often the tiny things are what keep me going. A friend calls because she’s thinking of me- and at that exact moment I NEEDED that call. My mom sending my kids postcards in the mail just because- awesome. Those kinds of things are what make my life sweet. But then every once in awhile I get to be a part of something grander.

On January 13^th, 2010 I turned into complete mush when I opened my computer to see this:

My oldest kiddo happens to be the trickiest kid on the planet to buy gifts for. People are always on the hunt for the perfect present for him (his dad and myself included). My sister was trying to come up with something for J for his birthday.

What she came up with had tears rolling down my cheeks for hours. And days. And still when I think about it.
Not only was it the coolest gift, but at the time Jess was supporting her family while my brother-in-law was getting his degree. She made over a thousand dollars during her fundraiser and it went to autism research instead of her family. Breathtaking sacrifice.

The thing that makes me still smile about the Present of 2010 (beyond the obvious amazingness of it) is that my sister is the one who did it. I am constantly trying to teach my kids to treat each other the best of anyone in their lives.
“Treat him better than your favorite friend….someday he’ll be your favorite friend” can be heard at our house.
Often.

I feel blessed that Jess used her talents to bless my life, J’s life, and the money that went to Autism Speaks.

Photo from blackbird ink photography

While I have friends that I treasure beyond belief both in real life and online (I really really reeeaaalllly do) it’s acts like this that remind me that we have great service opportunities within our homes and families.

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Thank you so much for coming Mique! Isn’t amazing how creative we can be when we put our minds to it?  And are YOU remembering all the good you can do in your own family?  What an amazing example of love and thoughtful service this entry has been for me.  Thank you to both Mique and Jess for letting us read it!

Please visit Mique at her amazing blog: 30 Handmade Days. (she has AMAZING printables. And yes, she is JUST as hot as pictured above.)

Over my lifetime, I have been the beneficiary of some AMAZING acts of service.  And I hope I’ve been able to do some here and there.  Even if it’s not as much as I’d like….or should have.

Recently, though, I cannot even express the amounts of service that have been done on behalf of myself and my family.  It’s mind boggling, really.

I want to write this post (which I’m writing pre-surgery….obviously) to not only feel like I’ve thanked those who have served me.  But to give you some ideas about how you can do meaningful service for those around you.

The thing about the word “SERVICE” is that it sometimes overwhelms us.  I start to think about big 7 course meals.  Or giving a family thousands of dollars at Christmas time.  Or spending days on end taking care of a family member.

In reality.  Those things are rarely possible.

So all we do, when we think of them….is spin our wheels and get overwhelmed.

I want you to start thinking differently about the word “SERVICE“.

The technical definition is:

The action of helping or doing work for someone

Notice the word “action“.
It doesn’t say “the thought” or “the intention”

It most certainly doesn’t say “let me know if there’s something I can do for you.”

I KNOW!

We’re all guilty. Me included.

But for reals people….

“let me know if there’s something I can do for you” is asking that person to DO the ACTION that you should be doing in order to complete the definition of SERVICE.

That’s backwards.

Don’t feel guilty.  Feel empowered.  We’re gonna fix this.
Just you.
And me.

That’s why, while I’m away recovering, I have asked several of my bloggie buddies to participate in this new LCMF Series.

A series where we talk about, share ideas, and become inspired from acts of service.  And then we VOW to try and implement just a few.

Because, for real…..giving service is the thing that will keep you from yourself.   You’ll find yourself wallowing in your sorrows less.  You’ll find a brand new happiness.  And you’ll become a better person.

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I’m gonna start:

When my father passed away, I was home from school with what would turn out to be the chicken pox.  Imagine what that did to a gathering of over 50 young nieces and nephews that were attending his funeral.  Not awesome.
To be safe, I was mostly confined to a bedroom. So it wouldn’t spread.

One day, two ladies from my neighborhood dropped by.
Not to see my Mother, or to add to our growing collection of flowers and plants.
But to see me.

They brought me a strawberry shake from McDonalds and sat and talked to me for a few minutes.
I will never forget that. Never.
I needed to know someone was thinking about my own pain. And they did it with a shake. Simple. Super simple.

Sometimes letting someone know you care about them, just means shakin’ it up a bit.

After my Dad passed away, all the flowers and potted plants died. Fast.
Everybody went home.
Who could blame them?  All the fuss was over.  And their lives went on.
But we were still there.

Just a few months later, a bouquet of flowers showed up for my Mom. Signed…anonymous.
Those bouquets would show up every months for a YEAR! Can you believe it? A year.
Now I know that was probably quite expensive.
But the point I want to make is that someone remembered that she was still sad.

Long term loss and heartache doesn’t heal. So if you think of a person. They probably aren’t telepathic!
“I thought of you” isn’t always the most helpful.
Remember YOU need to do an action. Thoughts don’t count.

Remember long term hurts and heartaches.  If you think about someone, DO something.

•  A sneaky trick is putting important days in your calendar.  I have added the day that my friend’s Mom passed away.  And the day my friend lost her daughter.  If you let technology remind you….you can have a heads up on days when friends might need you.

• Rather than “thinking” about someone. An FB message, a tweet, an Instant Message, an Email, a text. ANYTHING is better than Nothing.

My final thought is about humiliation.  Yes.  That’s what I said.

I have been near UTTER embarrassment over the last months, finally ADMITTING that we need help.
However, that wasn’t really news to our family and friends. They knew we needed help.

Realize that most people won’t readily accept your service. Especially when you ask permission.
This is one of the only times you don’t want permission.

“Do you want me to bring you a Diet Coke?”
in my head….totally!
But I just can’t admit it.
“Oh no, don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”

Or, we could be like my amazing neighbor who checks on her family’s Subway restaurants early in the mornings.  And on her way home, some days she’ll bring me a giant Diet Coke.
It’s 9AM.  But she totally knows I’ll love it.
If she called, I’d tell her “no”.

It’s because I’m too proud. I’m working on it.
But if you get an idea, act on it.

Sometimes service, means not taking “NO” for an answer.

Finally, please realize, that person might not know how to ask for your help.
Or quite how to accept it with the amazing love and gratitude it deserves.

I admit it was HEARTBREAKING to watch my friends mop my floors. Or return with my washed and folded laundry.
I was in complete tears with both that heartbreak….and the outstanding humility I felt as I watched them help me. With nothing expected in return.

I hope they know how much it means to me.  But I admit needing a real gut check while it was happening.  Accepting service is humbling.  Sometimes people don’t quite know how to react to a kind deed.

But that should never dissuade you from helping people.

Never do service for the REACTION of the recipient. Do it for the happiness it brings you.

So let’s put that Holly Housewife idea aside.
We don’t HAVE to bake bread for a neighbor. We don’t NEED to clean their house.
Actually there are NO RULES ABOUT SERVICE….EXCEPT….

SERVICE is an ACTION. You gotta DO SOMETHING!

I’m so grateful, humbled, honored, and just overall…..OH. MY. WORD. about all the kindness that have been shared with me.  I could write 10,000 posts about the things that have touched me over the years.

• The lady that tutored me in Math
• The neighbor that took me walking with her everyday
• The group that bought us a vacuum for Christmas
• The note my vocal coach wrote me for graduation
• The friend who showed up early before a meeting to make sure my house was picked-up
• The person who came and listened to me cry
• The sister who took down my Easter decor in May
• The Grandma who bought me something to wear home from the hospital
• The girls who fold my underpants
• The person who says “hows it goin’?” and really wants to know

So many things we can do.  So many things we can help with.  So many of our fellow humans just waiting to be blessed by our ACTIONS.